Monthly Archives: September 2018

30 years ago today I

30 years ago today I
30 years ago today I

30 years ago today I gave birth to my first child…

a healthy, beautiful baby boy, I named Teddy.  

A perfect gift from God.

 

When this precious child was placed into my arms it may have been the first time our eyes met, but I already knew my child’s soul.

Our indelible bond had been formed nine months earlier when my child’s heart began to beat,

In sync with mine.

 

As I the years passed, I felt my child’s pain, their joy… I helped them carry their burdens and failures and also shared in the celebrations of their success.

Most of all, I tried to shepherd them carefully away from doubt, negativity and harm… gently guiding them toward faith, hope and Love.

 

As I raised Teddy, my sweet happy little boy slowly grew withdrawn, preoccupied and sullen before my eyes. I watched his eyes, once sparkling and full of joy, become clouded and detached.

Teddy went from a joyful toddler with a bubbly giggle, to an adolescent weighed down with an internal conflict buried deeply in the dark.

 

Teddy seemed to spend his time sleeping or working on music. There was little in between.

My heart sank as I saw my child slowly slipping away.

 

As a young adult it appeared, Teddy may be choosing to numb this conflict (and accompanying emotional pain) with weed. The only time I saw a flicker of my child, was in the genius expressed in his gift of music. Hearing the deep emotion in his melodies and the naked truth in his lyrics gave me comfort the bright flame still burned somewhere deep within.  

 

But as Teddy’s 29th birthday approached, I feared the flicker that remained was finally being smothered by growing anxiety, depression and the ever expanding dark cloud of cannabis.

 

I knew Teddy was struggling deeply with something extremely overwhelming. And I felt helpless… as if stumbling in the depths of complete darkness trying to help my child confront something I couldn’t see, touch or understand.

 

I am forever grateful for divine intervention and the help of good people surrounding Teddy who trusted a mama’s instinct.

 

It was time.

It was time for Teddy to step forward into the sunlight… to finally be brave enough to emerge from the nubing cloud and peel away the layers and layers… exposing a truth many of us may struggle to understand.

 

There was a deep conflict within Teddy’s soul between the truth of gender and the outward physical expression of gender.

 

This was a difficult concept for me to understand, for I believed on that day thirty years ago, they had placed a child of pure perfection into my awaiting embrace.

When they announced: “It’s a Boy!” … I had no idea the gender of my child ran much deeper than our superficial visual assessment or even chromosomal expression of being labeled a “Boy” or “Girl”.

 

This discrepancy between the gender one is assigned at birth and their true authentic gender was a foreign concept to me— one I had not personally experienced and knew very little about.

I had raised Teddy as a boy, completely unaware of the internal conflict growing within my child.

 

It has been a year since Teddy has embarked on the journey of aligning her soul’s internal identity with her external expression of gender.

It has been a challenging journey for both of us, a journey I never would have predicted, a journey I never would have chosen, and yet a journey I am grateful to share with my child.

 

Sometimes we don’t get to choose our journeys. I believe Teddy would have prefered to have been born with her internal soul and external gender aligned… however, there was a different path chosen for her from the beginning.

 

Thirty years ago they placed a perfect gift from God into my arms and thirty years later

I’ve become enlightened by the truth:

           Perfection needs no “Labels”.

 

The pure authentic perfection of our souls exists freely and is felt deeply within us… unconfined… unencumbered… by the superficial limitations of labels assigned by what we see on the outside.

 

The sparkle has return to my child’s eye…

Teddy is once again filled with joy, ease and comfort.  Teddy’s glorious eyes are once again a true expression to her magnificent soul.

 

As I write this in the early morning of her thirtieth birthday… I am overwhelmed with emotion for it is not for me (or any of us) to judge another, to decide what is right and just, or to question the subtle nuances of the creation of life.

I believe we owe our creator the honor of respecting the truth:

We were all perfectly designed as unique creations,

all perfect in our own individual ways.

 

And we owe each other the respect of honoring our individual need to live our authentic life,

openly and honestly as our authentic self.

We owe each other acceptance and tolerance for the freedom to express our authentic truth.

In other words is doesn’t matter what we see on the outside, because we know what truly matters is on the inside.