Tag Archives: faith

30 years ago today I

30 years ago today I
30 years ago today I

30 years ago today I gave birth to my first child…

a healthy, beautiful baby boy, I named Teddy.  

A perfect gift from God.

 

When this precious child was placed into my arms it may have been the first time our eyes met, but I already knew my child’s soul.

Our indelible bond had been formed nine months earlier when my child’s heart began to beat,

In sync with mine.

 

As I the years passed, I felt my child’s pain, their joy… I helped them carry their burdens and failures and also shared in the celebrations of their success.

Most of all, I tried to shepherd them carefully away from doubt, negativity and harm… gently guiding them toward faith, hope and Love.

 

As I raised Teddy, my sweet happy little boy slowly grew withdrawn, preoccupied and sullen before my eyes. I watched his eyes, once sparkling and full of joy, become clouded and detached.

Teddy went from a joyful toddler with a bubbly giggle, to an adolescent weighed down with an internal conflict buried deeply in the dark.

 

Teddy seemed to spend his time sleeping or working on music. There was little in between.

My heart sank as I saw my child slowly slipping away.

 

As a young adult it appeared, Teddy may be choosing to numb this conflict (and accompanying emotional pain) with weed. The only time I saw a flicker of my child, was in the genius expressed in his gift of music. Hearing the deep emotion in his melodies and the naked truth in his lyrics gave me comfort the bright flame still burned somewhere deep within.  

 

But as Teddy’s 29th birthday approached, I feared the flicker that remained was finally being smothered by growing anxiety, depression and the ever expanding dark cloud of cannabis.

 

I knew Teddy was struggling deeply with something extremely overwhelming. And I felt helpless… as if stumbling in the depths of complete darkness trying to help my child confront something I couldn’t see, touch or understand.

 

I am forever grateful for divine intervention and the help of good people surrounding Teddy who trusted a mama’s instinct.

 

It was time.

It was time for Teddy to step forward into the sunlight… to finally be brave enough to emerge from the nubing cloud and peel away the layers and layers… exposing a truth many of us may struggle to understand.

 

There was a deep conflict within Teddy’s soul between the truth of gender and the outward physical expression of gender.

 

This was a difficult concept for me to understand, for I believed on that day thirty years ago, they had placed a child of pure perfection into my awaiting embrace.

When they announced: “It’s a Boy!” … I had no idea the gender of my child ran much deeper than our superficial visual assessment or even chromosomal expression of being labeled a “Boy” or “Girl”.

 

This discrepancy between the gender one is assigned at birth and their true authentic gender was a foreign concept to me— one I had not personally experienced and knew very little about.

I had raised Teddy as a boy, completely unaware of the internal conflict growing within my child.

 

It has been a year since Teddy has embarked on the journey of aligning her soul’s internal identity with her external expression of gender.

It has been a challenging journey for both of us, a journey I never would have predicted, a journey I never would have chosen, and yet a journey I am grateful to share with my child.

 

Sometimes we don’t get to choose our journeys. I believe Teddy would have prefered to have been born with her internal soul and external gender aligned… however, there was a different path chosen for her from the beginning.

 

Thirty years ago they placed a perfect gift from God into my arms and thirty years later

I’ve become enlightened by the truth:

           Perfection needs no “Labels”.

 

The pure authentic perfection of our souls exists freely and is felt deeply within us… unconfined… unencumbered… by the superficial limitations of labels assigned by what we see on the outside.

 

The sparkle has return to my child’s eye…

Teddy is once again filled with joy, ease and comfort.  Teddy’s glorious eyes are once again a true expression to her magnificent soul.

 

As I write this in the early morning of her thirtieth birthday… I am overwhelmed with emotion for it is not for me (or any of us) to judge another, to decide what is right and just, or to question the subtle nuances of the creation of life.

I believe we owe our creator the honor of respecting the truth:

We were all perfectly designed as unique creations,

all perfect in our own individual ways.

 

And we owe each other the respect of honoring our individual need to live our authentic life,

openly and honestly as our authentic self.

We owe each other acceptance and tolerance for the freedom to express our authentic truth.

In other words is doesn’t matter what we see on the outside, because we know what truly matters is on the inside.

 

In The Moment…

In The Moment…

Welcome Back!

Back  Home = happy place (physically & mentally)

Bridges = help us get there

I don’t have anything to share today other than my desire to be in the moment.

My fingers won’t be tapping away at my keyboard, they’ll be digging in the dirt!!

Today the sun is shinning, the birds are chirping, the breeze is warm and I am simply grateful for the Blessing of Life.

I will plant my perennial garden and Give Thanks.

Because whether we perceive the changes and challenges in our life as  “good” or “bad”, everything we are given in life is a Blessing… sometimes it’s instantly clear… or it may take weeks or years to realize.

Sometimes we may never be fully aware of the blessing and sometimes our lives may be changed in a way we may never “see” as a blessing.

So, take a walk  Back  Home today if you can…

Breathe in the Sweetness of Nature, hear only the Song of your Surroundings, feel the Warmth of the Sun on your face…the Soft Breeze upon your skin and know in your Heart, everything happens for a reason and…

we all rest in the Palm of His Hand.

 

 

For a Friend

For a Friend

Welcome Back!

Back  Home = happy place (physically & mentally)

Bridges = help us get there

 

It all started a few days ago.  

I was writing on my laptop, enjoying my first cup of coffee, when I heard something in the other room.  It sounded like something was hitting the window.  

 

I walked into the family room to check it out, and sure enough, a robin was repeatedly flying into the window.  The minute it saw my reflection it flew away.  

 

I was relieved it hadn’t hurt itself and went back to my writing.

 

No sooner had I returned to my laptop, when I heard the same persistent sound again.

 

Bang……..………..…(wait for it)………………..Bang…………..(and again)……………… Bang!  

 

I walked back into the room and the robin flew away again.  

I thought:   “Geez, poor bird.  It’s gonna hurt itself.”

 

I figured by now this bird must’ve realized it keeps hitting something hard and obviously impermeable and finally flew away somewhere else.   

 

I went back to my writing.  And, I kid you not, within minutes, it started again.

 

Seriously?!?!  

I was shocked.  How could a bird be that stupid…or that stubborn???  Then I recalled hearing stories about how an animal’s instincts can cause it to repeat behavior over and over, even if it results in physical injury or worse.

 

And we’ve all heard the quote:

“Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results is the definition of Insanity!!”

 

WTHeck!?!? I didn’t have the time, energy or desire to deal with an insane robin!

Every time I walked into the room, it would fly away… but, it would come right back and keep doing the same stupid Banging!!

 

I couldn’t keep walking in and out of the family room all day.  

 

So, I observed its behavior from a vantage point where it couldn’t see me.  

There’s a tree next to the window, and this robin sits on its branch and then takes a header into the window… knocks itself silly and then does it again!!!

 

I wasn’t sure how to help this poor bird, so I tried a few ideas:

 

  • I taped some foil to the window— this didn’t help, it just moved to a different section of the window!

  • Then I designed a replica of myself (like a scarecrow) using chairs, pillows, blankets, etc— this didn’t help.  I added a fan to give the materials some movement— no help!!

  • Then I cut-off the branch it was sitting on— it just moved to another branch! (I thought about cutting down the whole tree, but deep down I knew that wouldn’t help either.)

  • I screamed at it: “What is WRONG with you… are you TRYING to kill yourself!?!?”— no help.

  • Then I opened the window (which has a screen)— Voila, this seemed to help, but we’ve been having a lovely winter this spring and the house was getting a bit chilly (considering the 19* temps outside) so I ultimately closed the window.

By this time it was dusk and Thank Goodness the silly bird retired for the evening!!

 

The next morning I’d forgotten all about the bird until… it started AGAIN!!!

Bang………………………………..Bang………………………………….Bang!

 

WoW!!! It certainly was a consistent little bugger.

 

This time I tied up the window-blind strings and positioned the fan to blow them around. And the Good News is, it seemed to solve the problem.

 

There is just one issue.  This contraption has to be turned on constantly until dusk.  If I forget to turn it on… I am reminded by a persistent:

 

Bang……………… ……………..Bang………………………………….Bang!

And I know there may come a day when this latest fan/string contraption won’t help anymore and I fear finding that bird lying dead under the tree.

 

This whole ordeal has really ruffled my feathers.

No, I am serious!  

 

It is unnerving to try and help another when their behavior is going to hurt them (or worse), and most of your intervention does absolutely nothing .

 

The moments when I waited to see if a new preventative method worked, were absolutely grueling.  My heart would sink (& I’d inevitably feel like a failure) every time I’d hear the Banging start-up again.

 

The very worst letdown was when I thought I’d finally helped, because things quieted down… but then inevitably it would start again.

 

I’m always looking for the silver lining, or lesson learned from facing challenges in life.

And this situation unfortunately mirrored the greatest challenge we all face as human beings:

   The pain and frustration we feel

by watching those we Love

repeat behaviors

that hurt them or can eventually kill them.

 

The hardest thing to endure it to stand-by helplessly.  

And yet that is all you can do.  

Because if they want to Bang into that window… They will… And there’s nothing you can do to stop them.

 

Lesson 101 in loving someone, who is actively engaging in harmful behaviors… is to know there is very little you can do.  It is up to them if they want to change or stop.

We. All. Have. Free. Will.

 

These past few days I learned some important reminders.  

 

Here are some things you can do:

  • You do what you can to help.

  • You realize there is no magic wand to make it all better (no matter how much you beg, scream, cry, plead, wish, hope or pray).

  • You learn to live with your feeling of helplessness.

  • You accept you have no control over another’s Free Will.  You surrender trying to impose yours.

  • You eventually Let Go (and let God).

  • You remember to take care of yourself.

… a little birdie told me so!  

 

 

Spoiler Alert… (A Mother’s Prayers)

Spoiler Alert… (A Mother’s Prayers)

 

Welcome Back!

Back  Home = happy place (physically & mentally)

Bridges = help us get there

 

Spoiler Alert: This story has a Happy Ending!!

 

Someone posted the illustration below on FB the other day and it really hit home with me.    

Since having my three kids, I will admit I have never spent more time on my knees praying for their protection and well being.

FullSizeRender (11)

 

Even before I had kids, I always felt the most disturbing scene in a movie was when Shirley Maclaine’s character is pleading for pain medication for her dying daughter in Terms of Endearment.    

OMG, I can’t even post the actual clip here, because it literally tears my heart right out.

termsofendear4

The Fact is, when it comes to Our Children it seems

Worry and Love 

are synonymous and synergistic.  

Then again, I grew-up in a Sicilian/Spanish family, so I’m not sure if that increases the intensity of this synergistic effect.

♥ 

This all got me thinking about an important story in my life.

 

I delivered my third child, a daughter, the day before Thanksgiving.  It was my third C-section and this one was very complicated and difficult.  But, there were many reasons why she was my miracle baby.  

 

I remember every moment of her First Thanksgiving dinner…  

I was filled with gratitude as my precious baby girl and I snuggled together in our hospital bed.  She rested peacefully in my arms feasting on mama’s milk, while I looked forward to every delicious pump of my Morphine drip.    

 

And back home, my parents were having the full Thanksgiving dinner I had prearranged (from Wegman’s Catering) with my two young sons and husband (now, ex)… whom I will call “Hex”.

 

Before the family came to see us following their pumpkin pie dessert, in walked my favorite nurse to see how we were doing.  

I don’t remember her name, but I will call her: Madea because… She. Was. Madea.  

God, I LOVED her!!  She was AWESOME, Funny and Protective.  

 

On the day of my daughter’s delivery, Madea overheard Hex bragging about the important 10-day business trip to South Africa he’d be leaving for in less than a week, and how cool it was going to be…blah, blah, blah.  

 

This really ticked Madea off, and she confronted him about… this not being the time to leave his wife at home with a new baby and two other kids ???

 

Madea… Was. Not. A. Fan. Of. Hex. and she was not shy about her disdain.  Every time they ended up in the hospital room together, it was downright entertaining to see her behavior.  

 

The day we left the hospital,  I wish I had a tape recorder for the tongue-lashing she gave Hex.  It didn’t phase him one bit, but I stifled my laughter so many times, I almost popped my C-section staples.

 

My parents were going to stay and help me take care of everything when Hex was gone. I was having a particularly painful recovery and then one night (just 2 nights before Hex was supposed to leave) we noticed the baby had a fever.  

 

A fever at less than a week old requires a trip to the Emergency Room and I just about lost it.  

 

Hex, my dad and I took her in, and after some preliminary tests…  our fears were confirmed. Her fever was bacterial, and if she didn’t get IV antibiotics and the source of the infection quickly found… she could die.  At the very least she would be admitted to the hospital for a minimum of three days.

 

Well, (even though this diagnosis might not have been deserving of such a response) I’m pretty sure I was channeling Shirley Maclaine’s scene in Terms of Endearment as I was on the ER hallway payphone trying to explain what was going on to my mom.  

 

I would guess those viewing this conversation, may have thought everyone I had ever loved, had been wiped out in some horrific accident.

 

Even though it was 9:00 pm, my second phone call was to our priest who came right over and blessed our baby girl with holy water held in a hospital styrofoam cup.  

I will never forget how grateful I was for his presence during (what I believed to be) the worst moment of my life.

I silently prayed to God (as I had been doing from the moment that thermometer showed a fever) and suddenly,  I felt calm.

 

Sure, I was still worried to death, but I knew she was in the Palm of God’s Hand and I felt a sense of peace.

 

 

I told Hex he should probably call his boss and explain the situation.  He said, since my parents were already in town to help, he felt comfortable still leaving on his trip.  (over 8,000 MILES away from US!!!).  

 

I wanted to march right up to the Maternity Ward to see if Madea was on duty and bring her down to the ER with me, because I knew this was a fight I couldn’t deal with.  

Luckily, my dad who had been a tower of strength for me during this whole ordeal… suggested Hex just make the phone call to at least “inform” his boss about what was going on.

 

When Hex returned from making the phone call, he looked terribly disappointed.  

 

He said his boss told him… To. Stay. In. Town.  That his family needed him now, and the company would simply send someone else.    

 

I wasn’t sure if I was glad or sad with this new revelation because, as serious tests (like a spinal tap for god-sake!!!) were being performed on our little baby, it was obvious his mind was somewhere else.

 

It was after midnight when we were finally moved up into a private hospital room. My dad drove back home and Hex and I accompanied our baby.  

 

In the room there was one metal crib and two reclining chairs.  Hex took one look at that chair and immediately asked a cot be brought in for him because… He. Could. Not. Sleep. In. A. Chair.  

The kind (and now bewildered) nurse said, as soon as they got the baby settled… she would address his needs.

 

It was late.  I was still very sore post-C-op, and with tubes and wires now attached to our little baby, it made nursing her quite a challenge.  I’ll never forget… there was Hex, laying on his cot, with his blankets pulled up to his chin.  

 

And while I struggled to lean into her crib, so I could feed our baby… he asked me to “turn off the lights” as they were too bright and keeping him awake.

 

That night I asked him to go home in the morning and please send my mother to the hospital.  

 

For the next two nights, my mother helped me navigate every feeding… even in the middle of the night.  

And late one night, while watching a Christmas Special on TV, as my mom slept in the reclining chair next to mine and my baby girl was sleeping in her metal hospital crib…

I felt the peace of God and gratitude fill my heart.

 

 

 

It turned out my baby girl was very young to present with Kidney Re-flux.  She was on daily antibiotics for the first two years of her life and had a couple more hospital visits… but luckily outgrew the condition before she was three.

 

Even though this ending was a happy one… my heart tears apart for those parents who don’t get the happy ending they pray for.  But that… Is. A. Topic. For. A. Whole. Other. Blog!

 

The Bridges I used to get through this health scare with my daughter were:

  1. Pray

  2. Know who to ask for support

  3. Pray

 

Please share the Bridges you used to get you through similar situations…

 

PS… Hex left for South Africa on day three.